Shattered bipolarity

'You think you're dead? We'll just prove to you how alive you actually are.'
I trusted them. In my naivety i tied myself with hopes to every word. I wanted to believe i'm still there. I wanted to..so much.
They told me it will all be okay while they took my mind and locked it away in this forsaken asylum.
'Who are you? Who the fuck..are you to tear me apart between these 4 walls and rape my ego?'
They tied them up. All my personalities were medicated, tamed, fragile. The days were quiet..the pain was just a numb feeling. Every night i woke up covered in sweat..the voices in my head were screaming, crying. At night, my lobotomy was born.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to scratch and chew my way out of this cage called body.
'Close my casket and put me in the ground, soon enough my soul will be a zombie playground.'
But they had other plans for me..

Howl..

He doesn't get me..but that's okay. His green eyes pierce through my atoms. He asks me stuff and i answer. But he doesn't get me. He laughs at what i find important. I laugh back. Knowing this numb feeling is my only true companion.

His soft lips kiss mine trying to get to my heart. But all he would find would be a burial gown. I kiss back, enjoying the feeling. I enjoy his search but i know..I know the ending of this one. Carpe diem..they say.

His cold hand holds mine trying to warm me up. He does but only for a short while. When he'll be gone i'll be left frozen again.

I will lock my ashes away. I will breathe in just to feel that i'm alive. And kicking. I will fight until my very end with my whole being.

I will fight for..for everything. Every bit of myself. Every neuron and piece of sanity.

I will wear his green eyes and soft lips and cold hands. I will take every piece i can, to build something new. Better. Stronger.

I will howl. I will always remember i am Eve.

Nemo.

I still remember that day. Winter was reigning over the nature and the park was filled with shadows. Empty. Dead nature. I was alone, with my thoughts and ghosts. With myself and so many unsaid words that were lingering in my head. It was all so overwhelming and i felt like soon i was going to burst into tears until..until I saw something...someone..

I saw him.

Sitting on a bench, wearing a cowboy hat, a long thin coat, rosaries and a beard. I felt goosebumps just by looking at that jacket as the cold was escalating through my bones. As i walked past, his piercing green eyes burned through me with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. It felt like..he was somehow asking me to join him. Huge pouches made his face seem covered in so much affliction. I had to hear this stranger's story.

Once i sat down, at the other end of the bench, he looked away shy. His cigarette was almost finished so he threw it on the ground and put his red boot over it to stop the smoke from coming out.

'What's your name?' I asked, but once the words were out in a breath, i regretted them deeply. He seemed so tired of people, presences. He just wanted peace and quiet and I..just disturbed. What was in my..

'Nemo' he whispered, stopping my train of thoughts.

His green eyes looked away, once more. It started to snow. Like never before. Nemo took his hat off allowing the snowflakes to caress his red and black hair. Closing his eyes he sighed..the deepest, woeful sigh.

I felt so many things towards this beautiful stranger sitting almost next to me out there in the freezing cold: he seemed sad, desperate..misunderstood. I wanted to lend a helping hand. But Nemo belonged in a different world. Far from mine. He was somewhere else. With his mind..in a labyrinth.

He got up and, as the weather violently took a turn from mild to snowstorm, he left me alone wondering. No goodbyes, no farewells. Soon enough all i could see was his ghostly figure. Going further and further..away.

Remembering that day i wish he would've shared..at least a bit..a tiny part of ..his thoughts..with me. But maybe..that's the beauty of it. Maybe that's his beauty.

I'll always remember you Nemo. With your green eyes, deep look, cowboy hat and loneliness.

Love in cold blood.(M. part I)

Midnight. My favourite time of the day (quite antagonistic isn't it?). Sure, i love walking in broad daylight too but, let me just tell you, no one is quite the mystery fan like myself. And what better set for mysteries than sheer, pure, pitchblack darkness?

Let's just skip the intros..call me M. M like..moon..murder..mad.

It is at midnight when i carefully choose my victims. Sneaking up on people and hitting them is over-rated and truly an insulting act for my ways. You see, i like to manipulate, draw towards me, and then close the trap. Smooth, silently, violently.

Fullmoon transforms me. Some turn into wolves, some lose control..I just become my true self. Only then do i satisfy my urges. Only then do i carve my name in someone innocent's heart forever and ever and ever. You have no idea how empowering it feels when you know you have the freedom of life and death upon others.

Unconsciously, this feeling always makes me feel alive. I suck their lives out to fuel my own.

I remember every move i make and try not to repeat it. I get bored fast, must be from the sign i was born in.

For example, today i could meet my victims at a fancy restaurant and sip drinks with them until their minds become numb. After that, I could move the set at my place or theirs(although the latter one is a bit more difficult, since most of the times i abuse my knowledge in the art of torture) and twist their every thought until they do whatever i want them to. When i get bored, it's fun time. You know fun time right? It's blood, screams, sex and everything in between. Sometimes a massacre, sometimes just a few cuts do the trick.

On another day I could just toy with my little puppets, but - and this is their luck - not feel the need to finish the job.

Many might argue that i'm cruel and ..slightly insane, but really, who are they to judge? A society that spills daily more blood than i could crave for in a century and they dare to tell me how to handle my issues?

Please.

Because being 20 is never easy..

Don't you think i forgot about you. I could never. So, guys, let me tell you a little story about how soulmates are made: It happened long time ago, seems to me like eternities have passed. We met but the beginning was not a particularly interesting one for either of us. However, something drawn me to keep on connecting to her.

And days go by, so do months, years..And you wake up thinking one day: wow..how did this happen? How did i get to know this person so well and how did this person get to know my every corner and even more understand it? It's quite amazing the thought, really.

She's 20 today. That's like..alot. Being 20. Also, quite hard. 20.

'There are twenty years to go..

And twenty ways to know'

So, I raise my glass of coke and begin my speech with this quote from your favourite band. I go on with saying: I can't believe we made it so far. You are the one that never dumped me when i felt the weight of the world. You are the one that was here to wipe my tears away and say 'i'm sorry' even though it never was your fault. You are the one.

'We need to concentrate on more than meets the eye.'

My mind is full of thoughts. Good thoughts. The best of thoughts, truth be told. I remember so many things. I remember Sibiu, HIM, IAMX, last halloween, sleeping in the same bed, sharing makeup, food, african child :)), Negative Ion, walking in museums, your place and your parents and your hamst..dog, giggling, laughing, biting..Yes, i know, it pretty much sounds like we're lovers doesn't it? I know we are.

You're 20. It's overwhelming. When did it pass? When did you go into law school and when did i get in this last year of highschool?

'A golden age I know'

I think you're like wine. You're getting better and better. Can't wait to have you by my side in the next 50 years..60..70..forever. You joined me in this journey and i'm not gonna let you go.

Happy Birthday, my love. You're my favourite girl in the world and i love you terribly much.

'But it's you I take, cause

You're the truth not I'

The stranger behind the mask

Hello.. Remember me? For some time ago, we used to be two different entities. Not anymore.

I came in your dreams, as the sweetest hope that soon turned into your best nightmare. I conquered my way in..atom with atom..breath with breath. I took your mind over. I twisted you. I made you turn. I made you bleed until nothingness remained. I trampled over your ideals and replaced them with my own. You forgot everything. Who you were. If you are still alive. If it’s all even worth it. You gave it all to me: darkness, light, love, hate, pulse. And with my small hands I grabbed your heart. And crushed, and crushed, and crushed. I was vendetta. I made you new. Complete. Better. Faster. Stronger. I stripped you, violated you, and turned you inside out. I went down…with you, for you, on you. I became your mania, your schizophrenic alter ego, your yang.

You abhorred me so much. You wished so many times to see me gone. And then you cried. You wept. Eons after eons. For you knew without me all that’s left is..void. Empty, bleak, darkling.. my darling.

You praised me so deeply. Night after night, the moon found you on your knees, head down, with your heart on your sleeve, hungry, thirsting..for your lethal medication.

Soon enough, you were wearing my mark. Step by step, you were becoming everything you despised the most, yet everything you could be. With every day and every bittersweet nauseating pill of my mind.. this new mask turned into a face. The cyanide was reaching boiling point, until…until something happened.

You used to take it all right from my hands. But the obedient puppy turned into a vicious wolf and the hand of god was bitten. And I, I -I terribly hate to admit this, but- I lost control. My blackened star was shattered as you were draining me. You were devouring me. My creation soaked me, drained me to my very core..licked me dry as I stood there speechless, faceless..heartless.

I fell apart. We entwined . Hanging on to you, my last breath was only enough for a final touch: a kiss. We embraced the shock, but I was never afraid. We never actually hit rock bottom, you know. Do you remember me, my love ? For I sure as hell don’t.

Dialogue with the voice inside my head.

'Truth be told, i'm tired of your moping around. You really are pathetic and, honestly, baby girl, no one wants to see something like this.' said E. while lying in bed.

'I'm in pain. What do you want me to do? You come from inside of me, you know how that feels'

'Yeah i do. And that's why i'm getting sick and tired of this. It's frustrating. And you know what? Soon i'll take over. Just so you know'

'You can't do this', said A. with an angry tone. 'I made you, you are MY freakin' creation and you get out WHEN i feel like it'

'Oh, i'm so scared' laughed E. 'My pretty creator is upset. Am i gonna be grounded? At least make it good.'

'What the fuck is wrong with you?'

'YOU. You is what's wrong with me. But don't mind that, soon it will be over, once i get in charge'

'Is that your plan?'

'No. It's our plan. You know you need me like oh-so fucking-much. You are almost begging for my help. So, that's what i'll do. I'm gonna fuckin' help you get the fuck out. You will become..me. And trust me it can't get better than this.'

'I'm sure it can.' said A helplessly through her barely opened lips.

E. came closer. Touching A.'s face with her cold hand, she started to smile maliciously.

'You will be me. The hunter, the strong, the cold. You will become god. I promise you. You will remember all of this like your rebirth. Don't even think about who you were, because it was nothing. You..are nothing. I make you complete. I promise you.'

A. was crying. She knew this day will come, the moment she will have to leave another human part of her aside. More and more, till there was nothing left to lose. More and more, until the numbness takes over.

'Just promise me one thing', she said almost hiccuping through her tears. 'Promise me i won't forget. Promise me i'll still be able to keep my feelings there. Just those feelings.'

'You won't forget. But you'll understand more. You'll dive more and more inside. I can finally bring peace with yourself. '

'Thank you.'

As E. came closer and closer, A. closed her eyes.

'Soon, kiddo. Very soon', the voice inside her head said.