Wonderland is shattering..

..inside of me. And I feel how shards of glass get stuck in between every fiber of my being. And I scream. And I hear you screaming too.
See me dancing with a razor blade. See me falling from the edge of the world.
I realized that..my alter ego is not trapped inside of me. Maybe that's why I only felt complete 4 times in my life.
You can't save everyone. How the hell could I expect to save a life when I'm in the gutter myself?
Mistakes..we all make mistakes. How much of yourself are you willing to give in order to make a mistake?
'We were so independent
So high on ill intentions'
And now anger is replaced with bitterness..
'I don't believe in God
but I pray for you'
I wish I had more of myself to give to you..I truly, deeply do.
Perhaps we deserve our pain. We were dreamers trying to reach the unreachable..And we had it..We did it. For a brief moment it was in our hands.

Midnight Madness

The asylum walls were thick as paper. You could hear everyone breathing, almost hear their hearts beat. They were all trying to get out of there, some wanted that so bad that in the end the medical staff would break down the doors bringing more straitjackets. Because that's what they all thought we needed. Fucking medication and control for the fucked up lunatics.
My alter ego was lying on the floor counting the black dots on the ceiling. After some moments of silence, he said:
'You know. It's been approximately 23 months since i had saved you. Brought you here. To my sanctuary. My sea of white and peace.'
I sighed loudly and looked him straight in the eyes.
'How does this count as being saved? We are stuck between these 4 walls and day and night i hear the screams of some freakshows who really have issues. I was perfectly fine. And I still am. I'm fucking healthy.'
'Yes, you're so healthy according to them. Talking to your imaginary alter ego but everything's dandy. Go tell that to a doctor maybe you want some more meds.'
'I just want out of this place. I want to be able to walk in a park and smell and touch and feel the nature surrounding me.'
'Listen,you stupid girl', he said while pointing his index finger at my nose.'I worked my heart out to bring you here and protect you forever and you want out? You don't understand. THAT place is where the insane are. Not here. We all gather here because we SEE..we UNDERSTAND..we have to get out of that unhealthy environment. So we come here. And we clean our spirits, fight our demons, find our inner self. HERE. If you go back there, the idiots will jump right back at your throat cutting everything you tried for years to build. I know what's best for you. Shut the fuck up and listen to me.'
Tears were building up in my eyes.
'Oh, really? You're losing your touch, deary.'he quietly said.
'Just..take care of me.'
My alter ego wrapped his hands around me and kissed my forehead.
'Silly bruised girl. I promise I'll take over your soul as gently as I can.'



...I woke up in a hospital bed. They told me i had died for 23 seconds, but they managed to bring me back.

Self-Destruction 101

Void. Numb.
Cut. Cut. Cut. Slice.
Don't forget to breathe.
Sometimes, death is just the escape exit, and we are not cowards, are we?
Me, I'm not...
Choke. Bleed. Scratch.
Maybe the order is a bit messed up, but I'm free to do anything I want.
What a joke.
'But not one choice we make we choose.'
Hate Me. Hate Me.
Don't ever dare to hate me.
Silence is the killer hiding in its own shadow.
So I'll speak.
I.I forgot how it feels like.
Sometimes in life we choose what we want, not what is healthy for us.
The unhealthy drained me.
And I'd do it again. If I could.
Everything I had. You own it now.
Open.Burn. Cut. Slice.
Forget me not.
'Wonderland had gone to hell'
Self-Destruction 101.



H.Q.

Rant..

Missing you is not an option. But you already know that by now.
Hello, Lexi and her math meds here but, who cares?
I'm just writing down my thoughts. Tk+1, haha that's funny. I miss you, dear..beloved. I should write down something math worthy. So not in the mood. So lazy..2t/1+t^2 -> there you go, I wrote something..hah!
Drank a coffee so my whole body is vibrating. Remember how my body was moving after that glass of Mansinthe with 2 and a half big sugar spoons? You knew how I'd react after it, but still you made the drink according to my tastes. Or after that first orgasm? I was shaking to my core.
I love you. My dear pistol whipped lover.
Hold my colors close to your heart. I want to..breathe you and I want you to..inhale me.
I just want to..i don't know..
I just want to break out of this cage and you, my dear, will help me.
EVErsleeping.