'What happened to you? You know..it makes me wonder'
What happened indeed to me? Those were my first thoughts as i lit up the first cigarette that morning.
My life is crawling through my fingers and I try to catch the essential parts at least. I try to fix the cracks and instead end up with bigger and bigger holes. My stitches don't work anymore, they're out of date.
Slapping myself one time i realize I'm here, in my very own castle of glass. Am I crazy? Is this my place? Should I leave? I feel your presence over me.
My brain is numb. My limbs are numb. Sometimes, in my sleep, i feel them getting more and more numb, but I think I like the feeling because I don't make a move..not one. I love the tingly feeling, I love the way I don't control them anymore. I love the way I slowly lose the pressure over making one good or bad move..
I only write when my brain is running out of free space for my shit. That's okay, right? Release at its best. Nobody has to read through my brain hemorrhage, anyway. It's my thing to deal with.
I hear steps outside my door..I see a shadow growing bigger and bigger on the wall..a soft 'meow' approaches my ears. I invite my cat on my lap and as he finds the best position for him, while purring, I pet his fluffy grey fur.
'I only have two 23's in my life. You are one of them.' I whisper to him while he meows for the second time.
I feel like puking so I rush to the bathroom..after the agonizing feelings of having everything I ate that day go back in my mouth, the sweet release makes me almost moan.
The 2nd cigarette fills my lungs and nothing is quite as good as the empty stomach sensation right now.
'Maybe, with a bit of luck, I'll survive through this day too.'
