Somewhat Damaged

She changed. She is not who I used to love anymore. She used to be so much like me. She used to.. let me take charge of her existence and paint it with the colors of my rotten decaying soul. I used to daydream about our future together. About our engagement. Our kids to be.
She was meant to be mine forever. Forever my babydoll. Forever my little Charlotte. Forever my strawberry.
I was meant to pull her strings and push her to the limits until the very end. But I would've done it all for us.
That's..that's something she never understood. It was all for US. For our union and our sake. I was meant to be hers and all she had to give me was her entire being. Her beliefs, her piece of mind..her sanity.
I never asked for more..I..I never asked for much.
And all that could've been. Perfection. The perfect chemistry. Allies. We would feed on eachother's hearts and be complete.
But she changed. The little girl I used to have so obedient and beautifully tamed bit the hand that was feeding her.
She left. She left me so many times shattering my beliefs. She abandoned us saying that I'm breaking her heart and making her suffer.
I was the sick one all along! How can i not get sick without my daily dose of medicine? Without her..


It was all for her. My black and red kingdom.
All of this..for her. I can still feel her..even so far away.

Structural Defect

'What happened to you? You know..it makes me wonder'

What happened indeed to me? Those were my first thoughts as i lit up the first cigarette that morning.

My life is crawling through my fingers and I try to catch the essential parts at least. I try to fix the cracks and instead end up with bigger and bigger holes. My stitches don't work anymore, they're out of date.

Slapping myself one time i realize I'm here, in my very own castle of glass. Am I crazy? Is this my place? Should I leave? I feel your presence over me.

My brain is numb. My limbs are numb. Sometimes, in my sleep, i feel them getting more and more numb, but I think I like the feeling because I don't make a move..not one. I love the tingly feeling, I love the way I don't control them anymore. I love the way I slowly lose the pressure over making one good or bad move..

I only write when my brain is running out of free space for my shit. That's okay, right? Release at its best. Nobody has to read through my brain hemorrhage, anyway. It's my thing to deal with.

I hear steps outside my door..I see a shadow growing bigger and bigger on the wall..a soft 'meow' approaches my ears. I invite my cat on my lap and as he finds the best position for him, while purring, I pet his fluffy grey fur.

'I only have two 23's in my life. You are one of them.' I whisper to him while he meows for the second time.

I feel like puking so I rush to the bathroom..after the agonizing feelings of having everything I ate that day go back in my mouth, the sweet release makes me almost moan.

The 2nd cigarette fills my lungs and nothing is quite as good as the empty stomach sensation right now.

'Maybe, with a bit of luck, I'll survive through this day too.'

Unity..or how to fade out on your own.

Today I heard a song..random song, a bit cheesy..a lot touching. Almost made me cry. I tried to, felt like i needed but. I just couldn't.
I'm like a so very full container. Filled with feelings and ready to explode..for good.
You'd better..back off.
Maybe i. I have no idea.
I can't bleed on a piece of paper anymore. Maybe if I cut it all open. Everything i'm keeping just for myself. All the feelings.
Am i trying to say something to anyone? Am I trying to send a message? I think i am.
But it's all caught in my head and I can't. I just can't. Get it out.
Am I asking for help? No, but. I don't think I would absolutely decline a hug.

Flies will lay their eggs

This world is build on scars..one here, one there. There are never enough fucking stitches. To cover this mess that we've created.
My stomach butterflies moved into my heart. Now they're eating everything from the inside. Beat by beat..bit by bit.
Look around you. There's nobody. You're all alone. Don't ask yourself why. You fucking.know.why.
Take your hatred out on me. Look me in the eyes and tell me you're the not the one to blame. We're not the ones to blame.
We're just the victims.
Ha-ha. What a joke.
We're the jokes. We're the jokers.
We're the idiots with human costumes. While all the others undressed to show their lovely monster glow in the beautiful morning light.
Now let's pretend we like that. Let's fake our way in. We will be eaten alive sooner or later.
Cheers to the zombie apocalypse! Long live armageddon!

Wonderland is shattering..

..inside of me. And I feel how shards of glass get stuck in between every fiber of my being. And I scream. And I hear you screaming too.
See me dancing with a razor blade. See me falling from the edge of the world.
I realized that..my alter ego is not trapped inside of me. Maybe that's why I only felt complete 4 times in my life.
You can't save everyone. How the hell could I expect to save a life when I'm in the gutter myself?
Mistakes..we all make mistakes. How much of yourself are you willing to give in order to make a mistake?
'We were so independent
So high on ill intentions'
And now anger is replaced with bitterness..
'I don't believe in God
but I pray for you'
I wish I had more of myself to give to you..I truly, deeply do.
Perhaps we deserve our pain. We were dreamers trying to reach the unreachable..And we had it..We did it. For a brief moment it was in our hands.

Midnight Madness

The asylum walls were thick as paper. You could hear everyone breathing, almost hear their hearts beat. They were all trying to get out of there, some wanted that so bad that in the end the medical staff would break down the doors bringing more straitjackets. Because that's what they all thought we needed. Fucking medication and control for the fucked up lunatics.
My alter ego was lying on the floor counting the black dots on the ceiling. After some moments of silence, he said:
'You know. It's been approximately 23 months since i had saved you. Brought you here. To my sanctuary. My sea of white and peace.'
I sighed loudly and looked him straight in the eyes.
'How does this count as being saved? We are stuck between these 4 walls and day and night i hear the screams of some freakshows who really have issues. I was perfectly fine. And I still am. I'm fucking healthy.'
'Yes, you're so healthy according to them. Talking to your imaginary alter ego but everything's dandy. Go tell that to a doctor maybe you want some more meds.'
'I just want out of this place. I want to be able to walk in a park and smell and touch and feel the nature surrounding me.'
'Listen,you stupid girl', he said while pointing his index finger at my nose.'I worked my heart out to bring you here and protect you forever and you want out? You don't understand. THAT place is where the insane are. Not here. We all gather here because we SEE..we UNDERSTAND..we have to get out of that unhealthy environment. So we come here. And we clean our spirits, fight our demons, find our inner self. HERE. If you go back there, the idiots will jump right back at your throat cutting everything you tried for years to build. I know what's best for you. Shut the fuck up and listen to me.'
Tears were building up in my eyes.
'Oh, really? You're losing your touch, deary.'he quietly said.
'Just..take care of me.'
My alter ego wrapped his hands around me and kissed my forehead.
'Silly bruised girl. I promise I'll take over your soul as gently as I can.'



...I woke up in a hospital bed. They told me i had died for 23 seconds, but they managed to bring me back.

Self-Destruction 101

Void. Numb.
Cut. Cut. Cut. Slice.
Don't forget to breathe.
Sometimes, death is just the escape exit, and we are not cowards, are we?
Me, I'm not...
Choke. Bleed. Scratch.
Maybe the order is a bit messed up, but I'm free to do anything I want.
What a joke.
'But not one choice we make we choose.'
Hate Me. Hate Me.
Don't ever dare to hate me.
Silence is the killer hiding in its own shadow.
So I'll speak.
I.I forgot how it feels like.
Sometimes in life we choose what we want, not what is healthy for us.
The unhealthy drained me.
And I'd do it again. If I could.
Everything I had. You own it now.
Open.Burn. Cut. Slice.
Forget me not.
'Wonderland had gone to hell'
Self-Destruction 101.



H.Q.