Dialogue with the voice inside my head.

'Truth be told, i'm tired of your moping around. You really are pathetic and, honestly, baby girl, no one wants to see something like this.' said E. while lying in bed.

'I'm in pain. What do you want me to do? You come from inside of me, you know how that feels'

'Yeah i do. And that's why i'm getting sick and tired of this. It's frustrating. And you know what? Soon i'll take over. Just so you know'

'You can't do this', said A. with an angry tone. 'I made you, you are MY freakin' creation and you get out WHEN i feel like it'

'Oh, i'm so scared' laughed E. 'My pretty creator is upset. Am i gonna be grounded? At least make it good.'

'What the fuck is wrong with you?'

'YOU. You is what's wrong with me. But don't mind that, soon it will be over, once i get in charge'

'Is that your plan?'

'No. It's our plan. You know you need me like oh-so fucking-much. You are almost begging for my help. So, that's what i'll do. I'm gonna fuckin' help you get the fuck out. You will become..me. And trust me it can't get better than this.'

'I'm sure it can.' said A helplessly through her barely opened lips.

E. came closer. Touching A.'s face with her cold hand, she started to smile maliciously.

'You will be me. The hunter, the strong, the cold. You will become god. I promise you. You will remember all of this like your rebirth. Don't even think about who you were, because it was nothing. You..are nothing. I make you complete. I promise you.'

A. was crying. She knew this day will come, the moment she will have to leave another human part of her aside. More and more, till there was nothing left to lose. More and more, until the numbness takes over.

'Just promise me one thing', she said almost hiccuping through her tears. 'Promise me i won't forget. Promise me i'll still be able to keep my feelings there. Just those feelings.'

'You won't forget. But you'll understand more. You'll dive more and more inside. I can finally bring peace with yourself. '

'Thank you.'

As E. came closer and closer, A. closed her eyes.

'Soon, kiddo. Very soon', the voice inside her head said.

R.A.R.E.

11. 15. 23.

158

3.14159265

Absinthe

Alex

Alive

Argument

Beach

Beautiful

Bite

Black and Blue

Bruise

Cats

Chemistry

Cigarettes

Cry

Depression

Divelis

Dream

Drunk

Ears

Eve

Eyes

Feeling

FGT

Five

FullMoon

Goosebumps

Grave

Green

Hair

Hands

Harley Quinn

Heartbeat

High

Hug

Ilium

Insecurity

Insomnia

Joker

Kinky

Kiss

Laugh

Lex

Love

Madness

Meow

Mermaid

Mind

MM

Neck

Negative

Nerys

Nyrue

Obscene

One

Out of reach

Purple

R.A.R.E.

Real

Red

Running

Sand

Scar

Scent

Scratch

Sea

Sex

Shiver

Skin

Sleep

Touch

Touchless

Train

Vol'lie.

These are my memories. You can have them all.

Great Big White World.

'It's a great big white world

And we are drained of our colors

We used to love ourselves

We used to love one another.'

A: All i want is what i can't have.

N: I know

A: Do you know my depression remedies?

N: Do tell.

A: Loud depressive music, crying like hell..and just waiting. And the worst is, the waiting. For i never know what im waiting for, and how long will i wait for that unknown.

N: *remembers past years*

A: And putting aside the waiting, it gets so much painful being left alone with yourself.

N: I know..i've been doing that for 2 years.

A: I hate being left alone with myself, with my thoughts, cuz they ..they eat me up. They devour every single sane neuron.

N: And the times i wanted to cry but i wasn't able to because..nothing could get out of me anymore, hitting the walls with my fists, no air to breathe. I was hyperventilating, getting numb.

N: I was lying down, twisting and turning and feeling like an alien is growing from inside of me. Mind blowing up, i know. It's like you're being literally torn apart from 15 different places.

A: Thank you for making me numb..it feels like bliss.

Untitled.

-How do you feel? he asked.

-Miserable. I feel bloody miserable. Everytime this happens. I just wish it didn't. I just wish, we didn't lose ourselves. I just feel...

-What? What do you feel?

-I don't know. she answered with wet eyes. I truly..don't know.

They were on the bed. It had been a full day and both of them were tired. An argument got to be the cherry on top of the evening. An event they didn't plan, but that got out of control.

-I need some air..

-I'll come with you.

-I'll end up hurting you with my words, i'll screw you up and eventually....you'll get tired of it.

She started sobbing in an attempt to stand up. He was staring at her with sad eyes.

-I won't.

-You will. And because i love you so much i don't wanna make you get sick of me. Good night.

Those were her last words, as she ran through the door.

Autumn..

Lately so many things just piled up..many, many things, some good..some bad..some extraordinary..some extraordinarily crappy.

I would love to say the balance points in a happy spot, and thinking at what and who i have in my life right now i think i am able to say that, but, life's not perfect(doh) and happiness doesn't last for long.

And you get sick and tired. Of yourself, of arguments, of your decisions, of other's decisions(like getting removed from the staff of a blog where you've worked so very hard for the past 6 months). And you need affection. And you receive that but..

You try to do good. You try to give a good advice. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes, more than once it blows up in your face and you start hating you wanted to do good in the first place.

What is my point? I have no idea, i just have mixed feelings i want to get rid of so if you wanna really hear me out, keep reading. If you don't give a shit, stop anywhere between the lines cuz this is just a random rant of mine.

Right now..i'm sad. Cuz apparently i can only properly write when I'm miserable, sad, depressed or something in between. I'm frustrated too. I'm tired. I'm ..apparently a bit jealous(just a bit). I'm in love. But..

I am a person that through my actions and my way of being requires ALOT of patience. ALOT..and i made many people lose their patience forever because of me. And i deeply deeply regret this. And once again i blame myself because i think i'm doing this right now again.

But on the other hand i'm a very passionate person. I can make a fire burst into a person in no time. Unfortunately that fire can be terribly good or..the death of me.

Truth be told, I barely have any idea who i am. I mostly acknowledge my worst parts and try to use them as little as i can. But one of them is not having any patience. So i try but, if they don't work as i try, my patience runs out and i give in to the feelings that the others have in that moment(empathy ftw..not). And most of the time when that happens, when i need to use the little tiny patience i have, it's cuz i don't wanna hurt someone anymore and i try to control myself or just bare with what the other has to say to me. Unfortunately, i can't do this completely..so, like i said, in the end it all blows up in my face..yey.

I'm sorry for being..the way i am. I truly am and mostly cuz of this i can barely make human contact. I am indeed a very difficult person. And i wish i could change. But..it's not easy, and i need patience, and after a while like i said, that patience is wearing thin from the others because i mean really, how much of that can one have?

So my autumn begins with this, a confession..and a sad bitter feeling. Wish it would go away. Wish..i would go away..even for a bit.

Die Schlinge

Nu'mi spune lucrurile astea. Nu'mi spune ce e bine sau rau. In definitiv si la urma urmei, ma lasa rece, le stiu deja. Stiu teoria. Dar degeaba o stiu, daca la practica tot ma dau cu capul de pereti.

Nu'mi spune ca vrei salvare. Nu ti'o pot oferi. Nici pe mine de as vrea, nu m'as putea salva, daramite pe altii. Dar eu n'am nevoie. Sunt bine. Sunt sanatoasa. Sunt fericita. Sunt eu.

Nu'mi spune decat ce te chinuie. Poate te pot ajuta. Sau poate nu. Poate pot incerca. Poate o sa'mi pese in ziua aia. Poate o sa fii norocos.

Vrei ceva de la mine? Ghinion, stai la coada. Si eu vreau multe de la mine si mai niciodata nu m'am pus pe mine pe primul loc..pentru ca imi pasa prea mult de altii, care sincer nu s'ar uita la mine daca nu ar fi sa ii ajut cu ceva. Mai lasati'ma in pace. Prefer sa fiu singura decat cu un card de oameni falsi in spate.

Vrei sa fiu fericita? Okay, putem incerca. Dar te avertizez...

Si iar scriu cand am o stare din care nu mai inteleg nici eu ce simt. Care vine puternic si pleaca pe masura. De ce am nevoie doar de impulsuri violente ca sa pot sa trag de mine sa insir niste cuvinte pe o foaie digitala de hartie? Astept sa se adune, si cand ma apuca..

Nu inteleg, habar n'am sincer. As vrea sa stiu. As vrea ca piesa mea pusa acum pe repeat sa nu se termine niciodata, desi sunt sigura ca in aproximativ 5-10 ascultari o sa ma plictisesc de ea. Like i always do. Pentru ca nimic nu dureaza pentru totdeauna. Si e bine. Imi convine si asa. O sa ma modelez si pe ideea asta. O sa merg si pe drumul asta. O sa invat sa functionez si asa. Si planurile nu ies mai niciodata cum ni le imaginam. Si trebuie sa ne adaptam din mers. Cat detest instabilitatea. Sa nu stiu de pe azi pe maine daca ceva e sigur, sa planuiesc ceva si apoi sa nu mai iasa. Dar daca ar iesi, nu m'as plictisi de stabilitate? Nu m'as plictisi de rutina faptului ca zi de zi..totul e identic si se insira cum am planuit? Oh ba da.

Poate e mai bine asa..Poate nu? Poate chiar e un scop pentru toate lucrurile..Chiar imi place sa cred asta, chiar ma ajuta sa merg inainte.

As vrea sa stiu..

Music Shuffle Game: Soundtrack To My Life

It's been a while since i wrote something and since my blog is again out there for the world to see(it was on private for a while, when i had no more time to write and whatnot) i'm gonna start out with a Music shuffle game cuz i love those..If you like it and decide to do it too, drop me a line in the comment, i'm curious how it turns out for you too..So here it goes:

Ok, imagine your life is a movie - what songs would be in it? To find out, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits :
The Perfect Crime - Lucyfire (hell yeah)

Waking Up :
Angel In Disguise - Muisqq

First Day of School :
Replica - Epica

Falling in Love :
Psychosis - Poets of the Fall (haha love is psychotic)

Fight Song :
Are You Ready To Rock? - Miyavi

Prom :
Victim Of Fate - Helloween

Life :
Inger de piatra - Seven

Mental Breakdown :
S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W - My Chemical Romance

Driving :
All Fours - Kinetik Control

Flashback :
My Immortal - Scott D. Davis (this is the piano version of Evanescence's song)

Getting Back Together :
Mr Rainmaker - Warrant

Losing Your Virginity :
Goodbye - Ninja Dolls (haha)

Wedding :
Ruby Tuesday - Gotthard

Birth of Child :
Dream Thieves - Sonata Arctica (o..kay)

Final Battle :
Home - Three Days Grace

Death Scene :
Plug In Baby - Muse(awesome death)

Funeral Song:
Tears(Robbie Tronco-Knobhead Remix) - The Cruxshadows (okay this song is mostly with violins, it's perfect for a funeral haha)

End Credits :
In Memory - Shinedown

This feels like a soundtrack to an american movie but somehow it turned out good..