Autumn..

Lately so many things just piled up..many, many things, some good..some bad..some extraordinary..some extraordinarily crappy.

I would love to say the balance points in a happy spot, and thinking at what and who i have in my life right now i think i am able to say that, but, life's not perfect(doh) and happiness doesn't last for long.

And you get sick and tired. Of yourself, of arguments, of your decisions, of other's decisions(like getting removed from the staff of a blog where you've worked so very hard for the past 6 months). And you need affection. And you receive that but..

You try to do good. You try to give a good advice. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes, more than once it blows up in your face and you start hating you wanted to do good in the first place.

What is my point? I have no idea, i just have mixed feelings i want to get rid of so if you wanna really hear me out, keep reading. If you don't give a shit, stop anywhere between the lines cuz this is just a random rant of mine.

Right now..i'm sad. Cuz apparently i can only properly write when I'm miserable, sad, depressed or something in between. I'm frustrated too. I'm tired. I'm ..apparently a bit jealous(just a bit). I'm in love. But..

I am a person that through my actions and my way of being requires ALOT of patience. ALOT..and i made many people lose their patience forever because of me. And i deeply deeply regret this. And once again i blame myself because i think i'm doing this right now again.

But on the other hand i'm a very passionate person. I can make a fire burst into a person in no time. Unfortunately that fire can be terribly good or..the death of me.

Truth be told, I barely have any idea who i am. I mostly acknowledge my worst parts and try to use them as little as i can. But one of them is not having any patience. So i try but, if they don't work as i try, my patience runs out and i give in to the feelings that the others have in that moment(empathy ftw..not). And most of the time when that happens, when i need to use the little tiny patience i have, it's cuz i don't wanna hurt someone anymore and i try to control myself or just bare with what the other has to say to me. Unfortunately, i can't do this completely..so, like i said, in the end it all blows up in my face..yey.

I'm sorry for being..the way i am. I truly am and mostly cuz of this i can barely make human contact. I am indeed a very difficult person. And i wish i could change. But..it's not easy, and i need patience, and after a while like i said, that patience is wearing thin from the others because i mean really, how much of that can one have?

So my autumn begins with this, a confession..and a sad bitter feeling. Wish it would go away. Wish..i would go away..even for a bit.