Untitled.

-How do you feel? he asked.

-Miserable. I feel bloody miserable. Everytime this happens. I just wish it didn't. I just wish, we didn't lose ourselves. I just feel...

-What? What do you feel?

-I don't know. she answered with wet eyes. I truly..don't know.

They were on the bed. It had been a full day and both of them were tired. An argument got to be the cherry on top of the evening. An event they didn't plan, but that got out of control.

-I need some air..

-I'll come with you.

-I'll end up hurting you with my words, i'll screw you up and eventually....you'll get tired of it.

She started sobbing in an attempt to stand up. He was staring at her with sad eyes.

-I won't.

-You will. And because i love you so much i don't wanna make you get sick of me. Good night.

Those were her last words, as she ran through the door.

Autumn..

Lately so many things just piled up..many, many things, some good..some bad..some extraordinary..some extraordinarily crappy.

I would love to say the balance points in a happy spot, and thinking at what and who i have in my life right now i think i am able to say that, but, life's not perfect(doh) and happiness doesn't last for long.

And you get sick and tired. Of yourself, of arguments, of your decisions, of other's decisions(like getting removed from the staff of a blog where you've worked so very hard for the past 6 months). And you need affection. And you receive that but..

You try to do good. You try to give a good advice. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes, more than once it blows up in your face and you start hating you wanted to do good in the first place.

What is my point? I have no idea, i just have mixed feelings i want to get rid of so if you wanna really hear me out, keep reading. If you don't give a shit, stop anywhere between the lines cuz this is just a random rant of mine.

Right now..i'm sad. Cuz apparently i can only properly write when I'm miserable, sad, depressed or something in between. I'm frustrated too. I'm tired. I'm ..apparently a bit jealous(just a bit). I'm in love. But..

I am a person that through my actions and my way of being requires ALOT of patience. ALOT..and i made many people lose their patience forever because of me. And i deeply deeply regret this. And once again i blame myself because i think i'm doing this right now again.

But on the other hand i'm a very passionate person. I can make a fire burst into a person in no time. Unfortunately that fire can be terribly good or..the death of me.

Truth be told, I barely have any idea who i am. I mostly acknowledge my worst parts and try to use them as little as i can. But one of them is not having any patience. So i try but, if they don't work as i try, my patience runs out and i give in to the feelings that the others have in that moment(empathy ftw..not). And most of the time when that happens, when i need to use the little tiny patience i have, it's cuz i don't wanna hurt someone anymore and i try to control myself or just bare with what the other has to say to me. Unfortunately, i can't do this completely..so, like i said, in the end it all blows up in my face..yey.

I'm sorry for being..the way i am. I truly am and mostly cuz of this i can barely make human contact. I am indeed a very difficult person. And i wish i could change. But..it's not easy, and i need patience, and after a while like i said, that patience is wearing thin from the others because i mean really, how much of that can one have?

So my autumn begins with this, a confession..and a sad bitter feeling. Wish it would go away. Wish..i would go away..even for a bit.

Die Schlinge

Nu'mi spune lucrurile astea. Nu'mi spune ce e bine sau rau. In definitiv si la urma urmei, ma lasa rece, le stiu deja. Stiu teoria. Dar degeaba o stiu, daca la practica tot ma dau cu capul de pereti.

Nu'mi spune ca vrei salvare. Nu ti'o pot oferi. Nici pe mine de as vrea, nu m'as putea salva, daramite pe altii. Dar eu n'am nevoie. Sunt bine. Sunt sanatoasa. Sunt fericita. Sunt eu.

Nu'mi spune decat ce te chinuie. Poate te pot ajuta. Sau poate nu. Poate pot incerca. Poate o sa'mi pese in ziua aia. Poate o sa fii norocos.

Vrei ceva de la mine? Ghinion, stai la coada. Si eu vreau multe de la mine si mai niciodata nu m'am pus pe mine pe primul loc..pentru ca imi pasa prea mult de altii, care sincer nu s'ar uita la mine daca nu ar fi sa ii ajut cu ceva. Mai lasati'ma in pace. Prefer sa fiu singura decat cu un card de oameni falsi in spate.

Vrei sa fiu fericita? Okay, putem incerca. Dar te avertizez...

Si iar scriu cand am o stare din care nu mai inteleg nici eu ce simt. Care vine puternic si pleaca pe masura. De ce am nevoie doar de impulsuri violente ca sa pot sa trag de mine sa insir niste cuvinte pe o foaie digitala de hartie? Astept sa se adune, si cand ma apuca..

Nu inteleg, habar n'am sincer. As vrea sa stiu. As vrea ca piesa mea pusa acum pe repeat sa nu se termine niciodata, desi sunt sigura ca in aproximativ 5-10 ascultari o sa ma plictisesc de ea. Like i always do. Pentru ca nimic nu dureaza pentru totdeauna. Si e bine. Imi convine si asa. O sa ma modelez si pe ideea asta. O sa merg si pe drumul asta. O sa invat sa functionez si asa. Si planurile nu ies mai niciodata cum ni le imaginam. Si trebuie sa ne adaptam din mers. Cat detest instabilitatea. Sa nu stiu de pe azi pe maine daca ceva e sigur, sa planuiesc ceva si apoi sa nu mai iasa. Dar daca ar iesi, nu m'as plictisi de stabilitate? Nu m'as plictisi de rutina faptului ca zi de zi..totul e identic si se insira cum am planuit? Oh ba da.

Poate e mai bine asa..Poate nu? Poate chiar e un scop pentru toate lucrurile..Chiar imi place sa cred asta, chiar ma ajuta sa merg inainte.

As vrea sa stiu..

Music Shuffle Game: Soundtrack To My Life

It's been a while since i wrote something and since my blog is again out there for the world to see(it was on private for a while, when i had no more time to write and whatnot) i'm gonna start out with a Music shuffle game cuz i love those..If you like it and decide to do it too, drop me a line in the comment, i'm curious how it turns out for you too..So here it goes:

Ok, imagine your life is a movie - what songs would be in it? To find out, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits :
The Perfect Crime - Lucyfire (hell yeah)

Waking Up :
Angel In Disguise - Muisqq

First Day of School :
Replica - Epica

Falling in Love :
Psychosis - Poets of the Fall (haha love is psychotic)

Fight Song :
Are You Ready To Rock? - Miyavi

Prom :
Victim Of Fate - Helloween

Life :
Inger de piatra - Seven

Mental Breakdown :
S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W - My Chemical Romance

Driving :
All Fours - Kinetik Control

Flashback :
My Immortal - Scott D. Davis (this is the piano version of Evanescence's song)

Getting Back Together :
Mr Rainmaker - Warrant

Losing Your Virginity :
Goodbye - Ninja Dolls (haha)

Wedding :
Ruby Tuesday - Gotthard

Birth of Child :
Dream Thieves - Sonata Arctica (o..kay)

Final Battle :
Home - Three Days Grace

Death Scene :
Plug In Baby - Muse(awesome death)

Funeral Song:
Tears(Robbie Tronco-Knobhead Remix) - The Cruxshadows (okay this song is mostly with violins, it's perfect for a funeral haha)

End Credits :
In Memory - Shinedown

This feels like a soundtrack to an american movie but somehow it turned out good..

Hetken Tie on Kevyt..

..ma sparg..ma sparg in bucati si ele se duc la toata lumea.La toti cei care conteaza..chiar si la cei noi in viata mea..chiar si la tine cel care rade acum si m'ai face sa rad si pe mine dar sunt prea obosita, sunt obosita sa ma sparg.
Vrei sa ai o bucata? poti sa alegi..nu ma voi supara..de ce as face'o? voi mi-ati dat parti din voi , macar atat pot face si eu nu? Sa ma sparg pentru voi..azi, maine , poimaine..mereu..forever and a day
Ma sparg, si nu stiu daca e ceea ce vreau dar stiu ca e ceea ce trebuie sa fac acum..De ce vei intreba poate? Nu stiu sa'ti spun pentru ca raspunsul il caut si eu. Dar stiu ca nu aici e raspunsul si ca nu va veni acum..Ci mai tarziu, cand nu va mai fi cautat. Asa e cu lucrurile atunci cand sunt prea disperata sa le gasesc..nu se va intampla atunci, ci doar cand o voi lasa balta. Si e ironic dar cine sunt eu sa ma pun in calea universului?
Ma sparg si drumul pe care o voi lua nu stiu daca va fi cel mai fericit dar macar e cel pe care mi'l doresc eu. Tot ce vreau e sprijinul celor care conteaza, iar ei mereu imi vor fi alaturi atat timp cat exist. Poate vor disparea intr'o zi dar pana atunci ii tin langa mine si ei ma formeaza pe mine, si cu cat vor disparea cu atat si eu voi disparea..si voi cadea..in gol.

Inside out..

She was sitting at her desk thinking about some things..She lit a cigarette though usually it's not her thing to smoke. Well not today! Today she's something else..someone else, and the cigarette was a symbol of the point she was trying to prove.
Putting her headphones on she got isolated from the world outside..They don't need her anyway and she was never seeking for their company, because everyone she needed had a place to crash inside her heart..So they were there, inside..not outside..The music was gently building up in her blood, getting in her bones, she was becoming one with the vibes and the riffs and the noise..Oh the noise! The pumping of the blood and the beating of the heart and the vibration of your whole body..It made her always feel complete and with whatever song she chose she could have easily been anyone and have any kind of behaviour: she could be sad, happy, junkie, a whore or a saint, nobody or just a godess..And today that's what she needed..to feel everything.
While she started typing something to a friend she started singing the lyrics:
'No one ever knows
How their story goes..'
Sometimes she wished she knew, or have one little clue about how her life will turn out to be..She wanted to know if her dreams would come true or if she should continue being afraid..
Her friend told her: Don't be..it's the way things go..we make our own destiny and we are the only masters of our lives..don't ever be afraid..you're not going to fall and if sometimes you will lose control, you can always stand up and start over again..and again..
..And again..

Running to the edge of the world..

Dear love of mine,
How can i express my feelings?..
Cineva mi-a spus sa iti spun ce simt. M-am gandit sa ii urmez sfatul..
E ora 23:49..si asta e momentul cand simt ca trebuie sa spun tot ce am de zis..
Uneori as vrea ca lucrurile sa fie altfel, sa impartim o pereche de casti si sa zambim la auzul unei muzici linistitoare si sa uitam de certuri si de probleme..si sa punem pauza la sentimentele rele..
Uneori as vrea sa stii ca daca ar fi sa plec nu ar insemna ca nu tin la tine..nu'mi vine sa cred cum pentru o secunda macar ai putea gandi asta
Uneori as vrea sa'ti spun ca mi'e dor de tine..asa ca iti spun acum..mi'e dor de tine..
Uneori as vrea sa ma privesti cu alte sentimente, mai placute..vreau sa te invat sa faci asta..vreau sa ma invat sa fac asta la randul meu pentru tine..
Uneori..uneori ma gandesc ca daca nu putem gasi un compromis ne chinuim degeaba..de ce sa nu putem ? trebuie sa existe..ceva cat de mic..
Uneori simt ca nu ma respecti indeajuns..de asta s'a intamplat lucrul asta de acum..de ce trebuie sa fie asa greu sa nu te mai gandesti si sa nu'mi mai spui lucrurile din perspectiva aia pe care stii ca nu o suport? Chiar nu exista alta cale sa iti exprimi sentimentele? Pentru ca daca exista..vreau sa o incercam..
Uneori as vrea sa renunt..dar apoi ma palmuiesc singura si ma pun inapoi pe drumul drept pentru ca inainte de toate stiu ce vreau..si tu stii ce vreau..si stii ca nu vreau sa dau inapoi
As vrea..as vrea atat de multe..as vrea sa te fac sa scoti din tine tot si sa ramai vulnerabil la fel ca mine..si in loc sa te sperii din prima secunda..sa tragi aer adanc in piept, sa te uiti la mine..si sa stii ca..totul va fi bine..eu asa sunt..sunt cat se poate de vulnerabila in fata ta..si nu ma deranjeaza, chiar daca ajung ranita, stiu ca eu macar simt totul..simt intens si simt cum vreau eu..poti incerca asta? doar cu mine..doar pentru mine..
As vrea sa ma duci in locul din inima ta unde sunt eu..Si sa'mi arati cum sunt lucrurile acolo..si sa ma lasi sa ma mut acolo..o vreme..
As vrea sa nu mai fie nevoie sa ne spunem cuvintele in pare rau .. mi'ar placea sa nu se mai ajunga pana la acele cuvinte..pentru mine cuvintele alea sunt ultima resursa..pentru mine rostirea acelor cuvinte inseamna ca renunt si nu am altceva mai bun de spus..de ce sa se ajunga pana acolo? de ce sa nu prindem din timp situatia si sa o tinem sub control..de ce sa fie nevoie de pedepse unul pentru altul si sa nu putem doar sa..fim impreuna..?
Nu pot sa ma descurc fara tine..nu pot sa fac asta de una singura, nu pot sa ridic oricat de mult as vrea constructia monumentala a unei relatii doar pe umerii mei..Daca as putea nu ti'as mai cere ajutorul..pentru ca nu'mi place sa il cer de obicei..imi place sa ma descurc singura..dar sunt realista..asa cum ma cunosti..si aici stiu foarte bine ca fara tine nu are rost sa ma chinui..
Nu mi'ai zis nici macar bafta pe ziua de maine..stii ca sunt speriata de moarte la gandul ca ma asculta la chimie dar n'ai spus nimic..as fi preferat oricand sa'mi fi spus asta..as fi vrut sa fi auzit cuvintele astea..de la tine valorau mai mult decat de la oricine..
Uneori ma simt indragostita si singura..si nu vreau sa fie asa..tu esti aici..sau erai..sau credeam ca esti..de ce nu poti fi aici? vreau sa fii aici..
E ora 00:02 ..si eu inca simt ca mai am multe sa'ti spun..mintea mea varsa pe o foaie digitala de hartie ceva ce tu vei citi maine la implinirea a 24 de ore..sau mai tarziu cand termin de scris..sau niciodata..dar mai bine mai tarziu decat niciodata..
sunt trista..as vrea sa stii asta..ti'as fi spus asta..sunt trista pentru ca..vreau sa fie bine si simt ca imi scapi printre degete..ca nisipul..si existenta noastra si amintirile noastre sunt atat de fragile..
sunt fericita..as vrea sa stii asta..ti'as fi spus asta..sunt fericita pentru ca desi e al naibii de greu sunt indragostita..si nimeni nu'mi poate fura sentimentul..
eu nu stiu ce'i cu mine..dar nu'i nimic..nu cred ca am stiut vreodata..vreau sa fii bine..
Sper sa fii bine..