The perfect emptiness

do you ever have this feeling like you stare blankly and feel completely empty ? its weird to describe like im listening to music and im typing to you now but i feel like im running on automatic pilot like im out of myself gone somewhere else and im empty like if you cut me open right now.. its empty. can you imagine how weird that would look? a body with dried up blood and empty on the inside looking like a building after it has been robbed of all possessions my soul is wondering in another dimension yet my brain is a time bomb still going on 'knock knock' 'who's there?' 'i don't know..i'm not home..i moved out of my body..now the place is vacant' if i smile now..will i feel better? im wondering what my soul is seeing. is it heaven? is it a nice view? i just smiled.. 'And I'm a lucky man, With fire in my hands' So this is how nothing feels like.

Good music vs Bad music

This topic has been brought to my attention for sooo many years now that i've finally decided to go for it and bite the bullet.
What is good music and what is bad music? What defines good music and defines bad music? The answer, as far as I am concerned is..just a subjective opinion. I am a fan of HIM and Black Veil Brides and I have heard so many people tell me things like 'this band is gay, it sucks it is not metal, the vocalist is gay, emo..etc'

First and foremost, the thing I kind of dislike very much is represented by people who do not even try to listen to those bands they trashtalk. I understand if you hate what Ville Valo, Lady Gaga, Kurt Cobain, Andy Sixx and so on represent, their lifestyle choices and how they look. But that's not what they bring in their music. The clothes, the lifestyle, they all represent an extension of the music they write. You don't listen to these or their sexual orientation. I ended up loving many bands I used to trashtalk for years, but never actually paid attention to their music as much as I should have. 2 examples of that are Slipknot and Arch Enemy.

Secondly, let's say you have listened, you have tried and you still hate it. Fair enough that's absolutely and ABSOLUTELY perfectly fine, it is your opinion, your choice, your taste and if you tell me you hate it and explain to me why i swear i will not hold it against you. But I really absolutely hate it when you shove your hatred down my throat and try to make me hate it too through your arguments. That is impossible. I will not stop loving Manson because of his lifestyle choices and his going back on drugs or that stupid rumor of him removing one of his ribs to suck his dick, as long as his music and his lyrics speak to me in the most profound and true way. If it's shit for you, it doesn't mean it is shit for everybody else. A big living example is Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and..other examples like that. I don't like them but I won't attempt to make you join my side and hate it.

Music should unite us, free us from our daily cages, make us dream and inspire us. Who are you to try to take away from me or anyone else from this world what gives us wings? Who the fuck are you to tell me whats good or bad music? That's MY own personal choice. This is MY lifestyle.

Closure

I know you're going to read this so, here goes. You seem a bit lost, a bit off track.
For what it's worth..I managed to forgive you. After everything.
I'll still tell your story from time to time to people. And I will never forget.
But I don't want to see your face again. Not too soon anyway. If this will change, you'll find out.
I wish you the best.
Good luck and may all your wishes come true!
I say this from the bottom of my heart.

Goodbye,
Lexi

Somewhat Damaged

She changed. She is not who I used to love anymore. She used to be so much like me. She used to.. let me take charge of her existence and paint it with the colors of my rotten decaying soul. I used to daydream about our future together. About our engagement. Our kids to be.
She was meant to be mine forever. Forever my babydoll. Forever my little Charlotte. Forever my strawberry.
I was meant to pull her strings and push her to the limits until the very end. But I would've done it all for us.
That's..that's something she never understood. It was all for US. For our union and our sake. I was meant to be hers and all she had to give me was her entire being. Her beliefs, her piece of mind..her sanity.
I never asked for more..I..I never asked for much.
And all that could've been. Perfection. The perfect chemistry. Allies. We would feed on eachother's hearts and be complete.
But she changed. The little girl I used to have so obedient and beautifully tamed bit the hand that was feeding her.
She left. She left me so many times shattering my beliefs. She abandoned us saying that I'm breaking her heart and making her suffer.
I was the sick one all along! How can i not get sick without my daily dose of medicine? Without her..


It was all for her. My black and red kingdom.
All of this..for her. I can still feel her..even so far away.

Structural Defect

'What happened to you? You know..it makes me wonder'

What happened indeed to me? Those were my first thoughts as i lit up the first cigarette that morning.

My life is crawling through my fingers and I try to catch the essential parts at least. I try to fix the cracks and instead end up with bigger and bigger holes. My stitches don't work anymore, they're out of date.

Slapping myself one time i realize I'm here, in my very own castle of glass. Am I crazy? Is this my place? Should I leave? I feel your presence over me.

My brain is numb. My limbs are numb. Sometimes, in my sleep, i feel them getting more and more numb, but I think I like the feeling because I don't make a move..not one. I love the tingly feeling, I love the way I don't control them anymore. I love the way I slowly lose the pressure over making one good or bad move..

I only write when my brain is running out of free space for my shit. That's okay, right? Release at its best. Nobody has to read through my brain hemorrhage, anyway. It's my thing to deal with.

I hear steps outside my door..I see a shadow growing bigger and bigger on the wall..a soft 'meow' approaches my ears. I invite my cat on my lap and as he finds the best position for him, while purring, I pet his fluffy grey fur.

'I only have two 23's in my life. You are one of them.' I whisper to him while he meows for the second time.

I feel like puking so I rush to the bathroom..after the agonizing feelings of having everything I ate that day go back in my mouth, the sweet release makes me almost moan.

The 2nd cigarette fills my lungs and nothing is quite as good as the empty stomach sensation right now.

'Maybe, with a bit of luck, I'll survive through this day too.'

Unity..or how to fade out on your own.

Today I heard a song..random song, a bit cheesy..a lot touching. Almost made me cry. I tried to, felt like i needed but. I just couldn't.
I'm like a so very full container. Filled with feelings and ready to explode..for good.
You'd better..back off.
Maybe i. I have no idea.
I can't bleed on a piece of paper anymore. Maybe if I cut it all open. Everything i'm keeping just for myself. All the feelings.
Am i trying to say something to anyone? Am I trying to send a message? I think i am.
But it's all caught in my head and I can't. I just can't. Get it out.
Am I asking for help? No, but. I don't think I would absolutely decline a hug.

Flies will lay their eggs

This world is build on scars..one here, one there. There are never enough fucking stitches. To cover this mess that we've created.
My stomach butterflies moved into my heart. Now they're eating everything from the inside. Beat by beat..bit by bit.
Look around you. There's nobody. You're all alone. Don't ask yourself why. You fucking.know.why.
Take your hatred out on me. Look me in the eyes and tell me you're the not the one to blame. We're not the ones to blame.
We're just the victims.
Ha-ha. What a joke.
We're the jokes. We're the jokers.
We're the idiots with human costumes. While all the others undressed to show their lovely monster glow in the beautiful morning light.
Now let's pretend we like that. Let's fake our way in. We will be eaten alive sooner or later.
Cheers to the zombie apocalypse! Long live armageddon!